


Shouldn't I Be Less In Love With You?

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, Romance, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 20:31:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5942071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A trip down memory lane with the aid of a photo album and a forgotten photograph.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shouldn't I Be Less In Love With You?

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

_[The experts say it does not last.]_

A year ago. It had been exactly one year ago to the day that Sirius had fallen through the veil and Remus had stood in shock, powerless to stop him from falling. He remembered wanting to cry out, to call anything to Sirius as he fell in the vain hope his words would reach him before he was gone forever. Remus remembered wanting to say one last time how much he loved Sirius... but the energy for words failed him. Instead, he had moved towards Harry, somehow saying the words he never wanted to say in his life.

_"He's gone."_

That was a year ago.

A year ago to the day that his world had come crashing down around him for the second time, Remus had pulled out his old, worn photo album, wanting to look through the pages and remember the life that had been cut far too short. He had barely opened the book when there came a knock at the door. Remus had assumed it was the wind beating against the door of his flat in Whitechapel that he owned outright. Though small and slightly run-down, at least it was his. But, when the more persistent knock came, Remus got up to answer the door, slightly irritated that his trip down memory lane was to be delayed.

Passing by a window on the way to the front door, Remus flicked his eyes outside to see a torrential downpour. _'Who would be outside on a night like this? '_ he couldn't help but wonder. Remus pulled open the door, resigning himself to the fact that he would be drenched in minutes from the rain coming down in buckets. He wasn't exactly thrilled with the prospect of being soaked all because some derelict decided to pound on his door in the middle of a rain storm. 

But it wasn't some drifter on his doorstep. Standing before him was a very much alive, as well as a very wet, Sirius Black.

Suddenly the water didn't matter to him anymore.

Remus stepped out into the rain and threw himself onto the already drenched body of his best friend. To meet a solid body was shocking, for as Remus moved forward he had begun to wonder if the vision of Sirius before him was no more than a figment of his imagination. Yet, he was met by a strong chest and soon felt strong arms encircle him, quickly alleviating any fears that Sirius was a mere apparition. Remus's own tears mixed with the raindrops as he cuddled against Sirius while the rain fell upon the both of them -- a baptismal for a new life together. 

That had been a fortnight ago. The photo album had lay discarded on the coffee table and not moved back to its shelf since the night Sirius returned; he just hadn't thought about moving the book since then, or thought about anything besides Sirius for that matter. Remus knew he was being needy, but he hadn't let Sirius leave his sight in fourteen days. He was too afraid that he would turn around for a second only to turn back and see Sirius disappear in a puff of smoke, leaving him alone once again. Yet, the man he embraced and the man he kissed was neither a puff of smoke nor an apparition, nor did he disappear when Remus’s back was turned. He was sold muscle, solid skin and solid man as Remus was shown quite plainly several times a day.

If Sirius was annoyed at the close eye Remus was keeping on him, he didn't show it. In fact, Sirius may have been keeping a closer eye on Remus than he was on Sirius, yet Remus didn't care. All that mattered was that some God somewhere had deigned it alright for Sirius to return to the land of the living. Sirius never spoke of what had happened beyond the veil and Remus never asked, respecting Sirius's silence. Remus half wondered if this would be the only secret between them or if the reason Sirius didn't bring it up was because he didn't remember what had happened.

All Sirius said was that he remembered falling and being separated from Remus. Perhaps, if Sirius had truly forgotten what had happened beyond the veil, it was all for the best as Sirius was the happiest Remus had ever seen him in quite some time.

With a smile, Remus turned to look at the man sleeping beside him. The year that Sirius had been gone had done wonders for him, which was another reason Remus was curious as to what had happened beyond the veil. Sirius's face and chest had filled out once again and he no longer appeared to be a shadow of a man he was after the years in Azkaban. Sirius looked as if he had aged outside of time without the pain Remus knew had originally caused deep lines in his face. Those lines were now gone and Sirius looked as if he were 25 and not 45 as he had appeared after Azkaban. Lovingly, Remus ran a hand down the side of his face. In his sleep, Sirius reacted to the touch, nuzzling his head into the gentle caress. 

Sirius had also regained his aristocratic looks. Once again, he was handsome and dashing, making Remus feel inadequate next to him with his rapidly greying hair and thin, scarred body. Still, Remus knew Sirius didn't care about looks, no matter how often he would catch Sirius primping himself in the mirror. Remus also knew that Sirius thought him beautiful and after eighteen years, Remus had finally come to accept that.

Slowly, Remus ran his hand over Sirius's chest, remembering every plane of the other man's body, knowing it as well as if it were his own. They had spent a fair amount of time together enjoying the process of relearning each other's body and remembering which caresses and places to kiss drew the soft sighs and moans. Lightly Remus kissed Sirius's chest, flicking his tongue out to brush against the skin, still able to taste the sweat on Sirius's skin from their last round of lovemaking. It seemed Sirius couldn't keep his hands off of Remus and Remus didn't mind in the slightest.

When his stomach rumbled again, Remus realised what had woken him up. Now confident that Sirius wouldn't be disappearing on him anytime soon, Remus didn't mind leaving the bed for a midnight snack. He eased himself out of Sirius's arms and from the bed, padding across the floor (stepping around hastily discarded clothes), and pulled on a robe from the wardrobe. With one last glance at his sleeping lover, Remus smiled to himself and left the bedroom.

Into the kitchen he went, careful to step over the creaky floorboard so as to not wake and alarm Sirius that he had left the bed. Entering the kitchen, Remus left the lights off as he pulled a few items out of the cupboard to eat, not needing any light to see by. As he waited for his tea (Remus never ate anything without a cup of tea), he pushed his hands into the pockets of his robe and his fingertips came in contact with something relatively sharp. Furrowing his brow, Remus removed his hand and the object and found himself staring at a picture he had removed from the photo album a year ago.

It was a picture Harry had taken of the two of them, standing underneath a bough of mistletoe someone had hung at Grimmauld Place last Christmas. Remus remembered the taking of the photograph quite well. He still had a sinking suspicion that Sirius had planned the photo opportunity and had taken full advantage of the fact that Remus had to kiss him in front of the camera. Remus held the photograph in his hands, his cup of tea forgotten.

After Sirius had fallen from the veil, Remus had removed that photograph from the album. It was the last picture taken of the two of them and he didn't want it remaining tucked between the pages of a binder but rather with him as a reminder of the one he loved. Just having the picture nearby had eased some of the pain, but not all...

Now, it didn't matter as Sirius had returned to him. The picture no longer needed to be separated from its brothers as Remus no longer needed the silent strength anymore. Picking up his tea and sandwich, Remus slipped silently from the kitchen and into the living room. He glanced over the bookshelves, looking for his photo album and was slightly confused when he couldn't find it on the shelves. Turning around to face the room, Remus chuckled to himself when he saw it sitting on the coffee table, as if waiting for him. Remus took a seat on the couch, curling up with his tea and the photo album. The night Sirius had returned, he was going to flip through the album; that was why it was still out. Remus opened the album to the end to slip the photograph into its proper place when he paused. The picture belonged at the end of the album, so what harm was there in glancing through the earlier pictures before replacing the final picture and returning to bed? It would be nice to reminisce without thinking of how much he missed Sirius.

Taking a sip of his tea, Remus opened the book to the first page. 

_[The experts say it's fleeting.]_

Opening the book to the first page, Remus was met by the smiling and waving faces of four eleven year old boys at the end of their first year at Hogwarts. Remus smiled looking at the quartet of boys who had begun the term as four very awkward dorm mates (A Black had been sorted into Gryffindor?) and who by the end of the year had become damn near inseparable. Looking at the picture of himself being encircled by the arms of friends, Remus couldn't remember why he had been so worried to attend school. 

It had been the genuine worry that the trio of boys wouldn't accept him for what he was, thus leading to another six very miserable years. He had kept up the lies and the stories for almost a solid year before they managed to figure it out -- they being Sirius and James. Peter, as always, had gone along with whatever Sirius and James said, not wanting to be different from the two boys he already idolized. When Remus confirmed their suspicions he had expected them to turn tail and run, and that he would be forced from school. Instead, the opposite happened: they had figured out what he was and had accepted him completely into their circle; at last Remus had found the friends he had so desperately craved and yet had always been denied for most of his life.

The smile remained on his lips as Remus flipped through the other pictures taken over the course of seven years worth of school. There were pictures of Quidditch matches and summers spent together and the plethora of group pictures taken by faceless people that Remus couldn't remember. As he flipped past each picture, Remus couldn't help but notice the group always stood in the same order: Himself on one side of Sirius and James on the other with Peter floating about from one side to the other depending on the picture being taken. More often than not, Sirius's arm was draped casually over Remus's shoulder in what would always appear to be nothing more than a friendly gesture especially when he would notice an arm flung around James's shoulders as well. How Remus had never noticed the extra attention Sirius always gave him (be it an arm slung around his shoulders at odd times or when he was a decidedly annoying prat while he tried to study) was beyond him even now. Perhaps it was because Remus was too worried about hiding his own attraction to Sirius to even notice.

Passing by a few more pages, Remus came to the picture taken at the end of their fifth year by none other than Lily Evans. Over the course of four years previous, the Marauders had begun a tradition of taking a group picture together in the common room so they would always be able to have a memory of the past year together. Usually the picture was a relatively formal one: the group standing in a line and waving at the camera. As Remus glanced at the next few pages to look at the group pictures of years six and seven, he couldn't help but grin.

Year five was the only one that was completely different from all the rest.

Remus's eye was drawn immediately to James's face who was currently grinning like a Cheshire cat, but that could have been due to the fact that Lily was taking the picture. After nearly five years of relentless pursuing and grovelling, Lily had finally consented to speak to James in a more friendly light rather than just ignoring him. Of course, it wasn't dating, but for James, it was better than nothing. Thus, he had conned her into taking their annual end-of-term photograph. Closing his eyes, Remus could still remember the scene that day.

They had been standing in front of the cold fireplace, Remus on one end with Sirius strangely out of place on the other with Peter and James in between. Just as Lily was moving the camera into focus, Sirius had jumped across the group, expecting the others to know what he was doing and catching him before he fell. None of the three had anticipated the movement and Sirius had a look of surprise painted on his face as he was airborne for a moment before he went crashing to the floor with a very dull thud. Sirius had lain on the floor for a few minutes, shooting death glares at the quartet of three boys and one female who were more content to laugh at him than help him up. Rubbing his bum and grumbling under his breath, Sirius had hauled himself to his feet, punching James hard in the shoulder.

The picture had been re-taken of course, and this time the three boys caught Sirius as he leapt from the floor. Remus held Sirius's head in his hands and had fought a silent battle with himself to keep from running his fingers through the silky strands. James held Sirius's feet while Peter struggled under the weight of Sirius's torso.

While taking the picture, and the moving Wizarding photograph still showed the movement, Sirius had turned his head upwards to look at Remus and licked his lips. Remus could still remember his mouth going dry.

_[The experts bray love fades so fast]_

That singular picture had changed everything. Remus remembered letting his fingers rub lightly against Sirius's scalp, unnoticed by the others in the room, as Sirius turned back towards the camera when Lily took the picture. Things never were the same between the two boys and as Remus flipped through the pictures taken during their sixth year, that change was easy to see. The pictures of the foursome still looked the same, save the fact that Sirius had his arm around Remus's shoulders only with an embrace that looked less than brotherly. 

There also were more pictures of a twosome added in amongst the pictures of the four Marauders. Remus carefully turned the pages of the album, taking in every photograph of the most surprising couple at Hogwarts: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. There had been a general outcry from the female population of Hogwarts when they learned the resident "stud" of Hogwarts fancied blokes, not girls. The greater surprise though, was who Sirius fancied: the loud and outgoing Marauder had been charmed by the shy, bookish Prefect. To outsiders, they seemed too opposite of each other to be truly happy, but James and Peter knew better.

When it came to pranks and being outgoing, Remus could give Sirius a run for his money.

Expecting to see the final sixth year portrait when he turned the page, Remus's hand froze when he saw the picture on the left-hand side of the page. A blush crept into his cheeks as he gazed upon the photograph having forgotten about it's existence, yet memories of the night it was taken came flooding back to him in an instant.

James had been hacked off at Sirius the entire day. Not that Remus could blame him of course, as Remus himself wouldn't have taken too kindly to waking up with magenta and neon green hair. But, though he had scolded Sirius, his heart wasn't completely in taking up his Prefect's duties where his boyfriend was concerned. It was too easy to attempt to yell at Sirius only to be sidetracked by his facial features (or his lips and hands for that matter). James hadn't spoken a single word to Sirius all day and Remus had grown tired of trying to play mediator between them. James would return the favour and prank Sirius somehow then the feud would end and all would be right with the world once again.

The prank James had intended wasn't incredibly original, especially since Sirius had pulled the same one on him earlier that day. However, James had a twist to his: take a picture of Sirius's newly dyed hair and pass them around the Great Hall in the morning. All had gone according to plan, save for one small detail. When James had opened the bed curtains to begin his prank, he had been expecting to see only one boy in the bed, not two. Nor had he expected to catch them nude; lying content in each other's arms, finding it impossible to tell where one boy began and the other ended. He couldn't pull off the prank, but it hadn't stopped him from taking a picture of the two sleeping lovers.

What could be better than a prank than having blackmail? 

Morning had come far too soon in Remus's opinion as he remembered stirring that morning, realising they had slept later than usual. A few months into their relationship, Remus had begun to sleep in Sirius's bed but had always been careful to sneak back to his own bed by the morning. If the others knew that he had been sleeping in Sirius's bed, Remus wasn't sure, but he wanted to keep up the appearances that they slept apart. This time, there was no way he'd be able to sneak back anywhere. Red-faced, Remus had pulled the hangings of Sirius's bed back hoping that the others were already gone or still sleeping and he could safely make it to his own bed and no one would be the wiser. 

The bed curtains had slid on their gold rings and Remus had found himself staring into the grinning face of one James Potter holding the picture of the two of them from the night before. Ashen-faced, Remus had watched the moving picture; the two lovers nuzzling and caressing each other, blissfully unaware of the interloper. 

At some point, Sirius had stirred, his bedraggled head popping into the opening alongside Remus's. Sirius had gone deadly still as his eyes caught sight of the photograph before lunging at James, chasing him through the dormitory. Remus remembered watching the two wrestle for the picture a look somewhere between amusement and horror on his face.

Horror that James would win the fight and pass the picture around.

Amusement that Sirius was taking extreme care not to damage the picture in any way as he fought for ownership.

Not wanting to leave the memory of the easier times at Hogwarts, Remus took a moment to revel in the comfortable familiarity of his memories before opening his eyes to watch the two lovers in the picture once again. For the two sixteen year old boys, time had stood still as they lay in each other's arms, unaware of the horrors and trials that would await them in just a few years. For them, there was no future beyond when and where the next caress or light kiss would be. There was no suspicion in their eyes, only love and lust and want.

How Remus wished they could return to that time again.

_[Then tell me why is my heart still beating?]_

The next pages contained the saddest pictures of the lot in Remus's opinion: those taken at James and Lily's wedding. There were more pictures taken on that day than Remus could count and most of fairly random subjects because Sirius had become quite enamoured with the camera that day. Of course, that also meant that Remus was featured prominently in over half of the pictures as Sirius said he had looked "absolutely gorgeous and completely fuckable" clad in a black Muggle tuxedo. Remus remembered Sirius looking quite debonair in his Muggle tuxedo as well, his hair pulled back with a black leather thong.

There of course was the 'infamous' photograph of the day taken by Remus: James and Lily standing side-by-side with Sirius standing behind James, clapping his best mate on the shoulder. Two copies of that picture had been taken that day and one of them currently resided with Harry.

Of course, not to be outdone by the couple of the day, Sirius had managed to get several guests to snap pictures of him and Remus together. As was expected, the couple had made quite a stir amongst the guests (particularly the Muggles) showing up together, but Sirius in a rare showing of self-control said nothing and the annoyance never registered in his face. Remus knew what Sirius had been thinking that day: 'close-minded Muggles.'

Sirius had even gone so far to make a point that they were a 'normal' couple by soundly kissing Remus in front of everyone. Remus remembered blushing furiously, yet he still returned the kiss having never been able to resist Sirius. And somehow, James had managed to grab their camera and snap a picture of the occasion.

Remus couldn't help but smile as he looked at the two lip-locked men, their arms completely encircling each other with not a slip of daylight between them. Just as the last picture of the two sleeping together showed a couple very much in love, so did this picture -- especially on the wedding day of their two best friends. Of course, two men couldn't marry, not even in the Wizarding world but Remus had a distinct feeling that Sirius had looked upon that day as their own wedding day as well.

And Remus hadn't minded the thought one bit.

The grin on his face was quickly replaced by a frown as Remus turned to the last picture taken that day: the final picture of the four Marauders as adulthood had, at long last, created a final barrier between all of them. James was now married, Remus and Sirius were as good as married and Peter... Peter like always was just _there._ It was sad to look upon the last picture of the quartet of mischief makers, together for one last time.

The official end of the Marauders.

Remus's eyes fixed on Peter then, staring into the mousey boy's watery brown eyes. In the picture Peter looked genuinely happy to be there, standing on the far end next to James. It was hard to imagine that the boy in that photograph was the one who would betray them all in just a few short years.

"Were you already planning your betrayal then?" Remus asked softly of the photograph, knowing he would receive no response. "Was the grand plan already set and you were merely acting that day to be genuinely happy for James and Lily? Were you already in his service and simply humouring the rest of us by showing up that day with a smile on your face? Or, were you truly happy to be there, the idea of betraying your friends not even a glimmer of a thought...?"

Sighing to himself, Remus quickly turned past that page. There were no answers ever found looking at an old photograph.

_[Shouldn't I be less in love with you?_

Shouldn't I address what time can do?

Shouldn't I be more inclined to flee?

Shouldn't I explore all I can be?]

"You haven't changed a bit, Moony."

Remus jumped a mile, snapping the photo album shut with a muffled yelp. He took a moment to slow his heart rate, not expecting to hear anyone shuffling around the flat at this hour of the night. Leaning back against the couch, Remus laid his head on the back of the couch and looked up into Sirius's smiling face. Sirius leaned down, bracing his arms on either side of Remus's head, to lightly kiss the man's forehead followed by a gentle brush of his lips against Remus's. As he pulled back, Sirius's tongue flicked out, lightly teasing Remus's lower lip.

"You scared me Sirius," Remus amended, apologising for his startled yelp moments before. His head remained tilted back, leaning against the couch, his Adam's apple standing out plainly from his thin throat. Sirius stared at it, finding the temptation to flick his tongue across the nub but didn't give in because of the way they were currently positioned. "I didn't hear you come down here."

"Didn't mean to give you such a fright," Sirius said, looking down into his lover's eyes. "I woke up and you weren't there so I figured you had snuck in here to read like you always used to do. And…" Sirius's smile grew wider. "I was right. Here you are. So, what's tonight's book?"

" _The Count of Monte Cristo_ ," Remus replied, hiding a smile. "You know how I always loved reading about the dashing and debonair man." Remus feigned what could only be called a dreamy sigh as he slid over slightly on the couch to make room for Sirius. "Always is quite gorgeous in my mind no matter how many times I've read the book. After all, he is a--"

Remus was abruptly cut off as Sirius vaulted over the back of the couch and into the space Remus had created. A scowl was plastered on his face as he glared at Remus and Remus kept the smile hidden. It was the same response he always got from Sirius, even when they were younger.

"Something the matter, Sirius?" Remus asked innocently.

In one smooth motion, Sirius pulled Remus into his arms and into a mind-numbing kiss. When the two finally pulled apart, Sirius nipped at Remus's lips playfully as he had done earlier, flicking his tongue over them as well.

"Still trying to make me jealous over that bloody Count?" Sirius asked with the slightest twinges of a growl in his voice. Sirius raised his hand, letting it slide through Remus's greying strands and then down his cheek.

"No," Remus responded with a sigh as he melted into the close embrace, "merely seeing if you had the same reaction to my fawning over a fictional character."

Sirius chuckled softly, beginning to trail kisses along Remus's jaw and down the side of his neck. "Why wouldn't I have the same reaction? I don't like the thought of you fantasizing. About. Other. Men." The last few words Sirius spoke were punctuated by light nips to the slight man's neck.

That was one thing about Sirius; he always knew right where to kiss to reduce Remus to a puddle in his arms. With a sigh, lips parting slightly, Remus tilted his head back, allowing Sirius better access to his neck. 

"There's always been you, Sirius," Remus replied after a moment when he finally caught his breath. Still, he melted further into the embrace, completely moulding his body against Sirius's. Sirius in turn tightened his grip around Remus as if he never wanted to let go.

"So, if you weren't reading about that infernal Count, what _were_ you reading?" Sirius asked, reaching for the book now forgotten by Remus on the cushion of the couch. Without waiting for a response, for it appeared that Remus was beyond coherent speech at the present, Sirius opened the book and smiled looking at the first page. "I didn't know you still had this," Sirius said as he flipped through the first few pages. "I thought you would have destroyed most of these pictures by now."

The conversation turning from playful nips and kisses to actual words now, Remus finally had a moment to catch his breath and return to Earth. Taking a deep breath, Remus flipped to the one damaged photograph in the book.

"I tried to," he said softly, his fingertips trailing around the blackened edge of the photograph. "Merlin knows I tried to Sirius, but I only managed to destroy this one. I couldn't destroy your memory, no matter how much it hurt. So, I simply hid the book away or ignored your photograph when I wanted to look at the pictures."

An odd look passed over Sirius's face -- a look Remus couldn't quite read. But, before he could say anything, Sirius pulled him into a tight embrace and, as always, Remus's mind went blissfully blank and all he could think of was kissing Sirius.

Which he did fervently.

Several minutes later, both parties panting slightly with the need for oxygen, the two men pulled apart. Sirius lightly kissed Remus on the forehead before slipping from his lover's embrace.

"Don't be too long, love," Sirius said softly, hiding a yawn behind his hand.

"I won't," Remus replied as he moved on the couch into the space Sirius had just occupied. He closed his eyes briefly and sank into the residual warmth generated by Sirius's body heat. Opening his eyes after a moment, he pulled the photo album into his lap and glanced up at Sirius. "I'm almost done."

Stepping back towards the couch, Sirius lightly kissed Remus's upturned lips. Briefly, he looked as if he would rather just stay for the duration rather than let Remus remain in the room alone, but the look passed. With a slight nod of affirmation, more to himself than anything, Sirius backed away from the couch for the second time. "Don't be too long," he said once again before turning around to pad back to the bedroom. 

_[Shouldn't I confess a sordid fling?_

Shouldn't I caress a cute young thing?

Shouldn't I assess what we've been through?

Shouldn't I be less in love with you?]

Re-opening the photo album, Remus quickly passed by the pages he had already looked through and reminisced. There were still more pages to the album, but nearly all of those still left empty -- waiting to be filled with new photographs and new memories yet to be made.

It seemed as if there was a twelve year gap in the photographs, ironically mirroring what now felt like a twelve year gap in Remus's own life. Of course, Remus had never expected Sirius to escape. That October night, Remus had lost everything: three best mates and a lover turned betrayer. Sirius was then, as he rightly should have been, in Azkaban and Remus was alone. There was nothing left for him in the Wizarding World: friends dead coupled with the fact that more and more anti-werewolf legislation was being passed, making it harder and harder for Remus to find and secure a steady job. What did he have to lose by just fading away?

The journey as it were to his Muggle parentage seemed the logical next step. There was anonymity in the Muggle life: no one knew of his involvement against Voldemort and no one knew of his lycanthropy. What could have been better?

Bookshops had become the job of choice: the musty pages Remus had found solace in as a child became his solace in solitude once again. Remus still had bounced from job to job as his employers became fed up with his monthly absences yet there were a few times he could remember holding one job for at least a year, a good eleven months longer than he would have in the Wizarding World.

The years had blurred together in their terrible dance and Remus could no longer tell where one year ended and the next began. There was no difference between the years really, just an endless mindless monotony of moving from day to day.

Remus had tried to move on; he honestly had. Sirius was now dead to him so there was nothing stopping him from moving on to date other men. During Sirius's imprisonment, Remus had dated a few men but none of the relationships lasted more than a month or two. The men just... they weren't Sirius. None of the men knew him like Sirius had; none of them knew how to hold him after sex or even how to hold him so that he felt like the most important thing in the world.

Like Sirius had.

The relationships had been nothing more than seeing another person socially; dinner before an empty and meaningless fuck. It was enough for Remus to get off, but there was no attraction there. It had been just going through the motions and nothing more.

Rather than be miserable in a relationship and in turn making his partner miserable, Remus had resigned himself to a sort of self-proclaimed bachelorhood. He wasn't celibate; on occasion he would go to a bar to satisfy a need but that was a simple one night stand and nothing more. Yet, somehow in his single life, Remus had managed to find some shard of happiness to hold onto.

Time and time again, Remus wondered if he should confess those few relationships now to Sirius. Remus hesitated only because he knew how jealous Sirius could become. If he got so worked up over a book character, how would he take the knowledge that Remus had slept with more than one real man while they were parted?

In his heart, Remus knew Sirius couldn't begrudge the fact that Remus HAD had a few affairs during the "Azkaban Years". Neither of them had expected to be separated as they were in the first place and Azkaban was said to be inescapable. Who would have thought that Sirius would have done the impossible? Remus in the end had to move on with his life... even if moving on was the eventual realisation that no one but Sirius could complete him, no matter if he was a guilty murdering bastard.

Internally Remus winced, wondering how he ever could have thought that about Sirius. Even in his darkest hours, he should have known Sirius was innocent... but the facts were too easy to see and believe. Remus closed his eyes, offering up a silent apology for ever doubting Sirius. 

Remus was just happy to be living under such a lucky star (Remus couldn't help but grin at the irony of that statement) that Sirius had managed to escape and had returned as well from beyond the veil, both events seemingly improbable.

Closing his eyes, Remus sank back into the couch, wrapping his arms around himself as if it were Sirius holding him. Merlin, how much they had been through over the years, Azkaban aside. There had been good times between them as well as the bad times, just like any other couple. When they first got together, Remus could remember how many doubted their longevity given the fact that Sirius's longest relationship was three weeks.

Remus smiled to himself. Counting their time apart, they had been together for nearly eighteen years -- a fair cry longer than three weeks. And, judging by the look in Sirius's eyes every time he looked upon Remus, Remus knew their relationship wouldn't be ending any time soon. Even after all their years together, Sirius still had a hungry and lustful gaze in his eyes as if he couldn't wait to get his hands on Remus, bare him completely and make love until both were too sore to move.

If the couple could get through the things they had without ending their relationship, nothing would ever separate them.

Not even death.

_[After 30 years together._

All those brutal fights.

Those futile fights

Then the sleepless nights]

Without turning the page, Remus knew what photographs came next. These were the ones he had looked through more often than any of the photographs in the entire book, especially after James and Lily had been killed. Of course, immediately following their deaths, he had shut the books away; hidden them in the back of one of the closets he rarely used. At that time, he had vowed to never look inside the pages of those albums again. The feelings swirling inside him had all been to new and too fresh; the grief too painful.

That, coupled with the fact that Sirius figured prominently in each of the photographs didn't help matters either. Between the memory of James and Lily (as well as Peter) and the anger at Sirius's betrayal, Remus never wanted to look upon the smiling faces of their quintet, knowing they five were doomed and they had no idea. Remus had almost been tempted to destroy Sirius from each of the pictures; at least then he could continue to honour the memory of his friends. It had seemed a good idea at the time at least. Remus ran his finger along the singular burned photograph, a gaping hole showing the black background of the page where Sirius's head had once been. It was the only picture he had been able to destroy; the same photograph he had pointed out to Sirius moments before.

Instead of destroying more photographs, Remus had decided to lock the album away. He had reasoned that it could stay shut up and he would never have to look upon Sirius's face again. Never have to look upon the face of the man who had willingly sold his best friends to Voldemort, let alone the face of the man he had once loved.

But, as time passed, the hurt grew into bitterness and Remus found the desire to look through the photographs, wondering if there was something that should have tipped him off all those years ago. Was there something in Sirius's face that showed he was the spy, that he was the one not to be trusted? Then, as well as now, Remus could find nothing that showed Sirius's guilt.

Even if there was evidence of his own anger and suspicion during those long months.

Remus carefully flipped through the pages, seeing the suspicion clearly etched in his features as his younger self gazed at Sirius. It was hard not to look at the pictures without wanting to scream at his youthful image. He wanted to yell and the boy to trust Sirius and to trust what he said; to know in his mind what his heart knew: that Sirius would never betray them. If Sirius had the same suspicions of himself because he was a werewolf, Remus never asked and frankly now didn't want to know.

It was all in the pictures. Remus glanced at the few pictures of Peter in the album. Peter with the shifty eyes and who was always watching his three friends. As he had always acted like that in school, Remus had never thought anything was amiss.

_'We were all such fools. It was always there, right in front of us.'_

Remus closed his eyes, finding his breath caught in his throat. If he hadn't screamed at Sirius that October night, would all this have happened? Remus could remember the words as plain as day: how he had screamed that he couldn't trust Sirius, that Sirius was the spy, that Sirius was the one who was betraying them all. Remus took a shaky breath, hearing his voice coming back to him. Remus closed his eyes in a vain attempt to shut the voice out, but the sounds and images played in his mind; a cruel movie playing once again for its solo audience.

_"You're going to be the death of us all Sirius. I've watched you these past months, you don't tell me anything. You have to be the spy."_

"Remus, please believe me... I'm not..."

"Liar. Get out of my sight. I don't know how I ever fell in love with you in the first place. Get out... I never want to see you again."

"Remus... please..."

"I said I don't love you. What else do I have to say? Get the fuck out."

A dry sob racked Remus's body as he clamped a hand over his mouth to keep Sirius from coming back to check on him. If he hadn't kicked Sirius out, would Sirius still have gone after Peter? If he would have... If...

The "if" game, Remus decided, wiping at his eyes, was a very dangerous game indeed.

Quickly, Remus moved through those pictures taken just before James and Lily were killed. There was no point in looking at them any more in hopes of finding some concrete evidence of Sirius's guilt or innocence. Remus was too jaded to look at them now. Years of looking for guilt had done that to him. Now, all he had to do was to look at Sirius and see that he was innocent so why look through pictures of the past because he needed to see the same? Time had passed in its cruel dance and what had happened had happened. The truth had come out and that's what led to a future; there was no future in the past Remus knew.

Turning the pages to the next set of photographs, Remus's hand froze where it stopped. When did the pages fall out of order? Swallowing a grapefruit sized lump in his throat, Remus forced himself to look down at the quartet of photographs beneath his hand.

The only pictures taken during his Hogwarts years when there had been three Marauders instead of four.

Three months. Save the time Sirius spent in Azkaban, those three months were the longest the two had ever gone without speaking to each other. If there were any nights that were sleepless, it would have been those nights. On one hand, he had never wanted to speak to Sirius again. It would have served him right after all. If the "joke" had gone as planned, he would have killed Snape only to be condemned himself. Sirius had shown he had no regard for Remus's life, thus, why should Remus have consented to speak with him again?

Friends didn't betray their friends in such a way. And, once again... there was that word: betray.

Yet, there had been a part of him that had wanted to grant forgiveness. For three long months, Remus had waged a silent battle with himself. Three very long and very silent months. Those months were also ones in which Remus felt more alone than ever. He wouldn't allow the others to spend full moons with him. James, as a stag, couldn't keep the wolf in check: too often he had looked like a nice midnight snack. And Peter... well, a rat couldn't do much to stop a wolf, now could he?

Moony missed the company of the others. He missed Padfoot and Prongs and Wormtail, but mostly missed Padfoot. Out of his odd pack mates, Padfoot was the only one he could truly consider to be his equal as both were canines, even if they both knew Moony was the alpha.

Remus had sought solace in his books, but had found that even those didn't bring him the comfort he so craved. His mind had begun to wander back to Sirius more and more often the more he camped out in the library. Sirius had always said he had an unhealthy relationship with the library, and for those three months it was quite true.

There wasn't one singular event that brought about forgiveness. More like, a series of events that slowly wore through Remus's defences until he embraced Sirius like a friend, brother and lover. Remus chuckled at that. 

Two long fights; both ended with a lover's embrace.

_[Shouldn't I have quit because marriage ends?_

Shouldn't we have split like all our friends?

Shouldn't I confess it's time to go?

Shouldn't I be less in love with you?]

"Remus, are you still down there?"

Raising his head from the faded photo album, Remus saw Sirius pad towards him half-clad in only pyjama bottoms. His hair was rumpled from sleep and his eyes were barely open. Briefly, Remus wondered if he had spent more time downstairs than he thought had passed. He had told Sirius he would return to bed in a few minutes, but a brief glance towards the grandfather clock in the room showed it had been nearly ninety minutes since Sirius last came to the living room.

A yawn passed over his lips and Sirius did nothing to hide it, making him look almost dog-like. Remus couldn't help but smile to himself. The man who always exerted such an aristocratic air could let himself go in these few unguarded moments. A larger smile tugged at his lips as Remus glanced down at the photograph he had just pulled from the pocket of his robe.

"Yes, I'm still down here," Remus replied softly, running his long fingers over the picture.

"Come back to bed," Sirius said through another yawn. 

"I'll be there in a minute," Remus replied, watching as his fingertips caressed the cheek of the man in the moving picture who stood not but ten feet away behind him. 

"That's what you said a bloody hour ago, Remus."

"I know," Remus said with a sigh, his eyes never leaving the photograph. "This one picture fell out and I don't want to lose it. I promise I'll be up in a minute. "

There was a creak behind him, the only answer he received, as Sirius stepped on the one floorboard that always made noise when passed over, yet neither had ever taken the time to fix it. Those were the noises that gave the flat 'character' as Remus liked to call it and thus would never be fixed. The photo album remained open in Remus's lap, listening to Sirius's soft retreating steps as the other man padded back to bed. Remus closed his eyes, savouring the sounds in the flat once again. For too long it had been silent... far too long.

At last the house was quiet, save for a few soft sounds coming from the bedroom, and Remus was left alone once more in the living room. He opened his eyes, letting his gaze trail over the picture in his hand once again. It was the only recent picture of them he possessed; of only the two of them: taken about a year and a half ago at Christmas-time. After such a hard life, Remus saw there was a spark of life and happiness in Sirius's eyes; it was enough of a spark to bring the youthful man he fell in love with back to Sirius's worn face. As he watched the moving picture, Sirius kept trying to steal kisses from Remus as the other man playfully tried to push him away. A smile came to Remus's face as he watched Sirius reach his goal on several occasions, much to the feigned disdain on the miniature Remus's face. 

Lightly, Remus ran a finger over his own lips as if trying to feel that same touch there again. The picture had always saddened him and Remus had vowed he would never look at it again after Sirius fell through the veil. But, now that he was back, there was no reason to keep the picture hidden anymore.

Turning the moving photograph over in his hands one last time, Remus added it to the book as a final testament to all they had been through. All the suspicions and the fights; all the lies each had said and all the sorrow that had been shared between them were now in the pages of the photo album. After all that had happened, it was a miracle they were still on speaking terms. Yet, as Remus looked at the newly attached photograph he smiled as the miniature Sirius finally won his way and pulled a very willing Remus into his arms. The two embraced and held each other as if wanting time to stand still forever.

Still as much in love then as they were the first time they kissed.

Uncurling his legs from beneath himself, Remus stood and closed the photo album, laying it on the coffee table. As he walked back to the bedroom, he untied the sash of his robe, easily slipping it off his thin shoulders as he walked. Remus closed his eyes, not needing his vision in the darkened hallway. In his mind's eye he could see Sirius laying in bed, stretched out in the middle taking up all the space he could, daring Remus to get him to move.

Reaching the doorway, Remus opened his eyes and saw Sirius lying just as he knew he would be.

"What took you so long, Moony?"

"Nothing, just... reflecting over everything," Remus said with a smile, tossing his robe over the back of a chair in the corner. He padded back towards the bed nude, no longer subconscious of his own nudity around Sirius. As he slid into bed and into Sirius's arms, he was pleased to see that Sirius too had shed his pyjama bottoms. Curling up against Sirius's side, Remus lifted a hand, lightly caressing Sirius's cheek. The other man smiled and lightly kissed Remus's palm.

_[Shouldn’t I be less in love with you?_

No...]


End file.
